Ian's talk

Ian's talk based on Elder Perry's talk, "Waiting Upon the Lord; Thy Will be Done", from October 2011 General Conference.

Waiting on the Lord
For much of my life, I don’t think I fully understood what it meant to wait on the Lord. I knew that Christ was a perfect example of doing the will of his father. We also have MANY examples of righteous individuals who waited on the Lord. In his talk on Waiting on the Lord, Elder Hales mentions both Job and Joesph Smith...both who went through extreme trials as a testament of their faith in Christ and their Heavenly Father. One of my favorite examples of waiting on the Lord is that of Joseph Smith. One of the reasons I like Joseph Smith is that he wasn’t always perfect at Waiting on the Lord - we have 116 pages of lost manuscript of the Book of Lehi because of his impatience with the will of the Lord. However, as Joseph Smith grew and matured in life and in the gospel he became one of the best illustrations of Waiting on the Lord. His times moving from persecution as he and the saints moved from New York, to Ohio, to Missouri, to Illinois suffering abuse, imprisonment, being mocked and harmed, losing children and finally being martered; Joseph Smith ultimately showed what it means to put your faith in the Lord and trust that everything will be ok. To do the hard things, to devote your life to the gospel in every way possible, to surrender pride and anger to give in to the sweet promptings of the spirit...to be a near perfect tool in the hands of our Heavenly Father. As we can see today, Joseph Smith’s trust was well placed. To see what the gospel is today is to perhaps to begin to understand the fruit of Joseph Smith’s faith.

Even with all of the amazing examples in the scriptures and in our own history with the early Saints as well as all around in those with whom we worship, I feel like I somehow missed the lesson on how to Wait on the Lord. I learned early on through my parents and church leaders to love the Lord. But for some reason learning to Wait on Lord was a more difficult lesson for me to learn. Perhaps Waiting on the Lord required a more mature faith.There were times when I am better at it than others, but ultimately it was a lesson that I was having a hard time learning. It seems some learn eternal principles on their own while others need to be taught by the Lord. I think that I am the latter. and unfortunately my lesson was a hard one. However, I hope that I am learning it well.

As Anne-Marie mentioned, I have a had a rough year. I was diagnosed almost a year ago with an auto-immune disease called Wegener’s Granulomatosis. It’s considered a vasculitis in that it attacks the small to medium sized vessels that supply blood to specific parts of our anatomy The result is typically serious and sometimes fatal damage to various organs. For me it was the sinuses, ears, lungs, and kidneys. The treatments are extreme and leave me immuno-compromised...which is why I tend to over do it with the hand sanitizer. Early in the treatment, I had to avoid crowds and people all together. There is no cure for Wegener’s Granulomatosis, it will be a life-long condition. However with medical advancements as they are, I will never have to go through the degree of illness that I suffered this past year...30 years ago this was a fatal disease with a life expectancy of 5 months to 2 years. Today it is a manageable condition much like rheumatoid arthritis. I can’t tell you how glad I am that if I was to get this condition that it was now and not 30 years ago.

This condition and the our experiences of the past year have taught me more about what it means to Wait on the Lord than the 36 years prior. Early on I knew that the Lord was trying to teach me something. I would pray a lot asking for the Wisdom to know what it was. My biggest fear early on is that I would have to suffer through this entire experience and not learn anything from it. That I would come through this experience exactly the same way I was before. That wasn’t acceptable to me. I knew that I was suppose to learn something from all of this. I finally decided to wait patiently for what it was that I was suppose to learn. In his talk “Waiting on the Lord: Thy Will Be Done” Elder Hales mentions that when he receives answers to his prayers in these circumstances, it is always line upon line, precept upon precept, her a little, there a little. That was a comforting thing for me to hear. It allowed me to not put so much pressure on myself, but to allow the Lord to teach me in his time...which ultimately is the best way for me to learn it as well.

What have I learned:
One of the things I have learned is to trust that the Lord will protect me even while teaching me a hard lesson. I had many small miracles during this entire process. Things that made it clear to me that the Lord will protect me to the degree necessary to help me learn from all of this This was made clear to me in one of my many blessings that I received through this experience. In way, as it’s own first miracle, these blessings brought me comfort and from them I learned that I would survive this illness. Before I was diagnosed, I had no idea what was wrong with me. I knew that my lungs were in bad shape and that I was not getting better with treatment. One of the possibilities as I was told after a CT Scan, was cancer...either lung or very late stage, metastasized melanoma. My anxiety started to get the best of me and the internet did not help. At that time, my father and brother-in-law gave me a blessing. In that blessing, I was promised that I would return to relative normal functioning...that I would survive this. It gave me a lot of comfort to know that I would eventually overcome whatever was happening to me. It helped me manage a lot of my fears.

One of the other experiences that I saw as a miracle came in the form of a Pulmonologist named Dr. Marcos. In the weeks before my first stay in the hospital I had been working with another doctor in the pulmonology department who had been working on the diagnosis of Valley Fever, a type of pneumonia. After 10 days of being treated on some pretty hard medications I was only getting worse. On my last visit with this doctor, I was hopping to be admitted so I could get IV fluids - I thought a lot of my feeling poor came from not eating or drinking. I was admitted to the hospital and was immediately placed in isolation - because they thought I had something infectious like tuberculosis. During this time doctors and nurses quickly came and left, seemingly not wanting to spend a lot of time in my room (not that I can blame them - who wants TB?). The only person who would stay in my room was Anne-Marie, of course. I was in and out of consciousness at this point. I woke up at one point to see a doctor sitting there smiling at me. he wasn’t rushing out, he was just typing at a computer. He looked at me and said “you have Wegener’s Granulomatosis.” He was able to make the diagnosis by looking at my symptoms and at me. He mentioned that he would need to confirm with a blood test and a bronchoscopy. I would later realize the significance of being diagnosed that quickly. IN looking for more information on my condition, I found a forum with people who also have Wegener’s Granulomatosis. This a relatively rare condition, I have yet to meet anyone face to face with it...but the internet provides a way for many of us to talk. As I read through this forum, I got to read the stories of many people and what they went through for diagnosis. Often it involved months and serious and permanent damage to essential organs. For me, after I left the hospital and started treatment, this disease still attacked my kidneys - however it was slowed and eventually stopped by the medication I was on. My Rheumatologist (the doctor that coordinates my treatment) told me that based on the fact that this disease still hit my kidneys after being placed on medication that should have stopped it, was proof that Wegener’s was on a fast and furious march towards my kidneys. After hearing the stories of what has happened to others, and how this disease can trash healthy kidneys within a period of a week or two, I am sure that I would have been one of those individuals who would have ended up needing to be treated with dialysis and eventually needed a kidney transplant. The medication eventually stopped the progress of the disease. However, having an early and quick diagnosis saved my kidneys and  perhaps even my lungs. Although I have three brothers, all of which offered me a kidney - I think we are all grateful for Dr. Morcos and his ability to diagnose a difficult disease. Dr’ Morcos’ contributions did not end there. After the initial diagnosis, the Rheumatologist would not treat until he had a confirmation by an open lung biopsy. This Rheumatologist had been practicing a very long time and treated many people with my condition and becuase of the intense nature of the treatment, he was emphatic in that he had never treated without an open lung biopsy. In my weakened condition, an open lung biopsy would have meant a lot of risk and long recovery. Dr. Morcos had done a biopsy as part of the much less evasive bronchoscopy. Dr. Marcos advocated on my behalf, contending against this much senior doctor to use his biopsy sample and that it was sufficient. A day later the rheumatologist came back and said that for the first time in his career, a doctor had obtained enough of a sample from a bronchoscopy to confirm the diagnosis and that i would not need an open lung biopsy. I truly believe that the Lord placed Dr. Morcos and guided his hand in my case. It seemed that I was to have a hard lesson, but not an impossible one.

For me, during a trial like this, it’s hard not to see your blessings as they come. perhaps that Waiting on the Lord was suppose to teach me to see that I am a very blessed person. This ward family has been amazing in their support of my family during this trial. Our extended family, our parents and siblings have given their help in the many different ways that made our load easier. The greatest blessing to me was my family. Anne-Marie with everything she has gone through, with her seemingly infinite patience, especially early on as she had to deal with me and take on all of the other duties. My children, who bring me an immense amount of joy. Ayla, our baby,  was like a ray of sunshine - a little bundle of love. Abby was immensely helpful to me and her mother, the boys were fun and loving. A quick story about my boys and my beard......I grew this beard the first time I was in the hospital because I really didn’t feel well enough to shave. As I time went on I kept it because I discovered that it did an adequate job concealing a common side-effect of one of my harsher medications...which causes a rounding of the face. Many of us who have to endure this fondly call this effect “moon-face”. As I said, the beard hides much of this fun side-effect. However, in early August I wanted to see what I looked like if I shaved my beard. I was surprised by the difference - at least the beard gives a reason for looking different. When I walked out I was greeted by my boys and their startled looks which were a mix of fear and pity said all it needed to say. I instantly told them that my beard will grow back - Eli responded with a quick “when?” A week later the beard still wasn’t to where it had been before I shaved. My boys were asking about it and i told them that it takes time and I couldn’t hurry the process. That night Caleb gave the family prayer. He gives some of the most thoughtful prayers I have heard. This night as he was blessing his siblings I heard added “please bless that Daddy’s beard can grow faster.” I couldn’t help but laugh to myself and to appreciate that this little boy wanted my beard back not only because it was uncomfortable to look at, but because he knew that it made me uncomfortable. I could not have been blessed with better children and a better wife. I know that I am a very lucky man, despite my recent trials.

When Jospeh Smith was imprisoned in Liberty Jail, enduring some of the most difficult trials a human being should never have to endure, he prayed mightily to the Lord wanting to know where He was during this most difficult trial. In response to Joseph’s Smith’s sincere pleading the Lord gave a long and poignant response. I was recalled to one of my favorite scriptures in the Doctrine and Covenants Section 122, v7&8  which reads: “And if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. 8 The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than He?” During the times that I started to feel down and sorry for myself, I reflected on this scripture and the point that the Lord was making to Joesph Smith. As tough as things can be or as difficult our lives can become, the Lord has endured it with us. When I feel bad about my illness, I can think that there is my Heavenly Father and his Son Jesus Christ who have a perfect understanding of what I am going through. In those moments it’s hard to feel sorry for myself or to feel alone.

I don’t pretend to think that my trials are at the same level of hardship as those of Joseph Smith’s or many of the early saints. I recently watched a movie about the Willie Handcart Company. In watching the dramatic reproduction of their trials - seeing that many of them died struggling for their faith, I recognized the fact that I will live and have a relatively normal life - just as that early blessing from my father and brother-in-law promised. Even though my trials are not to the level or extremity of the early saints or of Joseph Smith, I can draw an immense amount of inspiration from their experiences. to help me in my life and in my trials.

In terms of trials, a concept I often pondered during my mission was that of the refiners fire. The idea comes from Malachi 3:3 stating that “He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver.” We are held to the fiery trials in our lives for the purpose of expelling our impurities to make us better. (read the story below if time permits) I’ve been thinking a lot about this idea of the refiners fire lately. I realize that I have not yet reached my destination nor am I done improving myself - The fiery trials in my life are not done. I think I’m far from it. I think much of this recent trial was a course correction the Lord made on my behalf. After my first stay in the hospital I became aware of all of these messages out there that seemed to apply to my situation. Anne-Marie mentioned the talk given by Elder Bednar at the Stake Reunion. I was not able to attend, but Anne-Marie and I have often talked about what he shared. about being converted and burying your weapons of war. Shortly after that a first presidency message came form President Ukdorf about being committed. There were many messages about fiercely following the Lord and His gospel. couple that with my illness and I couldn’t help but wonder if the lesson I was too learn was to become a more committed, a more disciplined follower of Christ. Perhaps I was too luke warm for my own good. however, I don;t know for sure and these are just my thoughts - I think the real knowledge will come in time - as elder Hale’s states - line upon line, precept upon precept, her a little, there a little - one disease and flare-up at a time. But for now, the course has been set. I just need to make sure that I follow it.

TESTIMONY

In Sunday School, a class was studying the book of Malachi. As they were studying chapter three, they came across verse three which says: "He will sit as a refiner and purifier of silver." (Malachi 3:3) This verse puzzled the members of this class and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God. One of the students offered to find out about the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their class. That week this student called up a silver smith and made an appointment to watch him at work. She didn't mention anything about the reason for her interest in silver beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver. As she watched the silver smith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up. He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities. The student thought about God holding us in such a hot spot--then she thought again about the verse, that he sits as a refiner and purifier of silver. She asked the silver smith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined. The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire. If the silver was left even a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed. The student was silent for a moment. Then she asked the silver smith, "How do you know when the silver is fully refined?" He smiled at her and answered, "Oh, that's easy--when I see my image in it." Author unknown

Anne-Marie's talk

Anne-Marie's talk using Elder Perry's, "Waiting Upon the Lord; Thy Will be Done" from Oct. 2011 General Conference talk.

Ian and I did just speak a little over a year ago, but we were asked to reintroduce ourselves seeing as my husband got very sick just 7 months after moving in and pretty much disappeared while he’s been recovering and avoiding the germs that are so ever present, unfortunately at church.  
Ian and I will be celebrating our 12 year wedding anniversary in just a couple weeks.  We have 4 children ages 9, 6, 5, and 2. Ian and I met at the church institute in Pleasant Hill right after he returned from his mission to Cleveland Ohio and just before I left on my mission to the Las Palmas, Spain mission.  We started dating pretty much right after I got home and were married the following year.  We attended UC Santa Barbara together and had our first child, Abby while managing college student apartments. We moved back to the Bay Area where Ian went to get his Masters in Counseling at St. Marys. Ian studied and worked to get his hours towards his Marriage and Family Therapist License before moving here to Castro Valley. He now works as a high school counselor full time and teaches a couple classes at St. Marys College. He is also a Marriage and Family Therapist. I am a mother of 4 busy children with a Bachelors in Speech and Hearing Sciences and a minor in Spanish. That’s some of our general background.

We were asked to talk about our journey through Ian’s health scare this last year using the talk given by Elder Robert D. Hales in the last General Conference, called Waiting upon the Lord: Thy Will be done.  This may be a little difficult for me seeing as this is all still very fresh for us.  I’ll give you an idea of what it is that he has and how it started first.  Ian was diagnosed May 4th of last year with a life threatening auto-immune disease called Wegeners Granulomatosis.   It took a lot of suffering on Ian’s part as we waited and waited while doctors tried to figure out what he had.  It started with Ian loosing his hearing in February.  After a number of dr. visits and CAT scans they thought his hearing loss was due to a small harmless tumor that could be treated with steroids.  It was treated and went away, but about 10 days after finally having some resolution to that, Ian developed a fever.  It wouldn’t go away.  More symptoms were appearing and Ian was getting weaker and weaker.  They thought early on that perhaps he had something called, “Valley Fever” which is an infection in the lungs that has symptoms similar to Tuberculosis. They treated him with medications that take a long time to get rid of the problem.  So we had to wait to see if Dr.s were right.  All the while he was getting worse each day. He was coughing like his lungs were going to come out, he was loosing a lot of weight, and just days before being admitted to the hospital he couldn’t bend his joints.  Severe arthritis had set it in, so much that it took all my strength to pull him to sitting or standing position.  Walking was painful.  Once admitted to the hospital, they had him quarantined due to the fact that it could be an infectious disease and they just didn’t know what was wrong with him.  It was a blessing when one particular doctor came in and said with what seemed like certainty- “he’s got Wegeners Granulomatosis”.   They couldn’t treat him right away for it, becausee they had to rule out other diseases first. But after a day or two of biopsies and different treatments to rule out things like TB, they finally were able to diagnose him with Wegeners.  It is a very rare auto-immune disease that attacks your vascular system which in turn does a lot of damage to your organs.  After doctors finally were able to confidently diagnose him, they treated him with the right medicine and within hours, life was returning to Ian’s face.  Even though there were many scares up to that point, there were several moments where we knew Heavenly Father protected him and gave inspiration and aid to the physicians assisting Ian.   Ian’s lungs and other organs were hit so hard, that they needed time and monitoring before he was able to return to work or even go out into the world.  He was and is being treated with a number of life saving medications, but the highest doses of these meds were given the first several months.  He got sick again in August and because his body had been wiped clean of an immune system, he got a very serious case of pneumonia and was hospitalized for a scary 2 weeks.  He has been on the mends ever since and has since returned to work and church in November.   And that brings us more or less to where we are today.

It’s hard to know which points of our journey to share.  Although we’ve made it through a lot of the major scary stuff, the journey isn’t over yet.  As I think about this particular trial and how it has tried us, I just keep thinking about how NOT alone we are.  So soo many ward members, friends, and family have served and served and served us.  It was the simple phone calls, the extra icecream and treats people brought by, the many many meals, those who watched our children, the annonymous help, the Christmas love, and just so much more.  We have poured out our hearts in our prayers with tons of gratitude for all the love shown us from all of those who have served us. We’ve tried to keep good track at listing all the ways Heavenly Father’s hand has been seen in helping us.  I wish I had enough time to share all the many big and small miracles we’ve seen along the way, but will share just a few with you today.  Elder Hales’s talk is about how the purpose of our life on earth is to grow, develop, and be strengthened through our own experiences.  Our experiences have definitely helped us grow and many of you have been part of our growth and journey.  

Even though this has been a tough trial, I don’t feel special because of it, because I know that we all have our personal struggles and trials throughout life.   Some trials are more public and others can be more discrete,  private, or very personal. Whatever the trial, we ALL will and do have them.   What I do feel is that my Heavenly Father loves us enough to make us better, by providing a way to strengthen and prove ourselves to him. Elder Hales talks about how our afflictions come in all shapes ans sizes, and our s happens to be in this shape.  But if we are “immovable in keeping the commandments, we will”one day rest from all our afflictions.”

Elder Hales says in his talk that the way we grow, develop and are strengthened is by waiting upon the Lord.  He says that “These mortal challenges allow us and our Heavenly Father to see whether we will exercise our agency to follow His Son”.  As every one of us here today is going through some sort of trial, ,,maybe we can pick just one and think to ourselves right now about whether we are exercising our agency to choose the right. Are we following the Lord’s instructions and keeping all the covenants we’ve made at baptism?  Are we repenting when we are in need of it- no matter how big or little the mistake?  Have we laid down our weapons of war that Elder Bednar spoke of a while back?

One thing I have been able to witness is how my husband responded to this trial.  Ian is an amazing man who has always been able to humble himself.  With this trial he has laid down his weapons of war, and exercised his agency to follow the Savior more fully.  He has really given himself to the Lord and in so many ways is saying in all he does, “thy will be done”.  He has been looking at this trial from the beginning as an opportunity for the Lord to sculpt him in a way he couldn’t do without this trial. He has been a great example of humility and submission to the Lord’s will.
The next question posed in Elder Hales’s talk is, are we helping others through their trials too?  Not only should we be waiting upon the Lord, but he points out that many people are waiting upon us too.  Our spouses, our parents, our children, our siblings, our friends and ward members, quote, “wait upon us to show patience, love, and understanding toward them.” He goes on to talk to all the Marys and Marthas & to all of the good Samaritans who minister to the sick, succor the weak, and care for the mentally and physically infirm and says he feels the quote:’gratitude of a loving Heavenly Father and His Beloved Son. In your daily Christlike ministry, you are waiting upon the Lord and doing your Heavenly Father’s will.  His assurance to you is clear: “inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye hae done it unto me.” He knows your sacrifices and your sorrows.  He hears your prayers.  His peace and rest will be yours as you continue to wait upon Him in faith.” end quote.

I wanted to include organizations like the Relief Society here.  I’m amazed and grateful for how they are part of this group that ministers so willingly and tirelessly to those in need.

Elder Hales says that “Waiting upon the Lord means to “stand fast and press forward in faith, having a perfect brightness of hope”.  To me that means we shouldn’t look at our trials as the end of our hopes and dreams.  The words he chose were a perfect brightness of hope. That could be a lot of pressure - using the word perfect, but it emphasizes the point that there really isn’t room for thinking, wo is me.  I don’t think I’m perfect in this attempt, because I do get sad about things. There are moment when the thoughts of how things might turn out for my husband, myself, or my fmaily get me scared or sad.  But what has also got me through this trial is not being sad about it for too long and by not living in fear of the worst case scenario.  If I didn’t do this, I think I might not be as open to the spirit guiding me toward ways to get through the problem.  Having some optimism gives room for growth.  

Another way that we can wait upon the Lord is by pondering in our hearts and “receiving the Holy Ghost” so that we can know “all things what we should do”.

Heavenly Father blessed me early on during Ian’s fight with this disease with a feeling that he would be alright.  I didn’t know if that meant he’d be okay just this year or maybe for 5 years, but I felt he’d be alright and that’s what kept my head up and pressing forward.  Staying busy helped and so did knowing that I had a large support system.  But then there were times when I would ask myself if I was just in denial or being naive, and sometimes I felt scared about the future.  At some points, like when Ian got pneumonia, I did wonder if Ian would live.  I also wondered how this disease would affect him and us as a family long term.  I worried about our current and future finances, Ian’s ability to work what it would mean for me to return to work or to go to school first then work.  I worried about my kids and what I wold miss out on.  I worried about how much was going to change.  I worried about taking or asking for too much from others.  I didn’t know the future and how to best manage the present to not muss up the future.  I didn’t know how to figure everything out with what time and emotions I had, but it was at the temple when I opened the scriptures and read the oh so famous and well known scripture in Mosiah 4:27 that says, not to run faster than you have strength.  I felt my thought guided to a place of understanding.  I felt calm.  For me, it meant that at that moment I didn’t have to figure everything out right then.  I didn’t have to have all the answers.  It didn’t mean I shouldn’t think about them or not plan, but that with everything going on and happening so fast, I didn’t have to do it all today.

The temple really has been my major guiding light through this journey.  I know that Heavenly Father lives.  I know that more than I know most anything.  Because I know this, I am able to ask with confidence for help from Him.  I feel I’m able to hear Him better in the temple and I trust that he will give me the tools I need to get through my trials.  
This trial has required a lot of waiting and patience.  Waiting to know why, waiting to know what to do about it or when to do what it is that I’m supposed to do, wondering if I’ve got the strength to endure with patience. Every time I go to the temple I get answers.  I might catch salmon when I’m looking for trout, but I get answers.  When I started recognizing this blessing (early on in our married life) I wondered if it would be a sometimes thing- that I wouldn’t always get those strong answers.  But when I really look and try my best to listen in any way he might decide to tell me, I’m able to hear him.   I don’t get the whole picture, by any means, but I’m alright with  “Here a little, there a little”, as Elder Hales explains. And for me, a piece is all I need to know that Heavenly Father is helping me and trying to aid me in what it is I’m going through.  One thing I’ve been in awe at is Heavenly Father’s ability to do anything he wants.  He is an excellent chess player with our lives -moving pieces at the right moments in our lives to align us up for answers to our prayers.  But an important piece in the game is praying so that those pieces WILL be just right for answers.  We truly believe Heavenly Father has played chess with our lives and set us up to be here and we feel so blessed and protected.  Where this ward has given me and my family so much, we want to give back.  As little as it may be, today I want to give back what I can by sharing my testimony of the temple and how if we go and seek the Lord’s inspirations, we can know, like it says in 2nd Nephi chapter 32 vs 5 “all things what we should do”.  If we endure with faith, stand immovable in keeping the commandments, we will one day rest from our afflictions.   As hard as it is to wait and to understand the whys of it all, it’s comforting to know that our Loving Heavenly Father is watching over us waiting and wanting to help us.  Elder Hales closes his talk by giving the Savior’s promise which is that “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.”


Testimony